


Nothing Gold Can Stay

by sinshine



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Lucid Dreaming, M/M, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-29 05:14:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11433885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinshine/pseuds/sinshine
Summary: Kaneki had learned long ago that you shouldn't make homes out of people.





	Nothing Gold Can Stay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [midoriverte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriverte/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Midori!!! A gift of Suffering to my Suffering Salty friendo.

“You're being awfully quiet.”

“Aren't I usually, though?”

Kaneki glanced sideways at Hide without turning his face away from the book he held. It was Sunday and they were sitting side by side on Kaneki's bed. He was glad that starting college hadn't seemed to change anything between them. Kaneki had been worried that once Hide starting meeting new people, then he would realize that he didn't actually have to be friends with him anymore. But as the weeks passed by, Kaneki thought that perhaps they had grown even closer. It was nice having a home that he could invite Hide into, where they could pass the time together without having to worry about anyone else.

“Sure,” Hide agreed without looking up from his game, still button-mashing enthusiastically. “But you're being, like, _suspiciously_ quiet.”

“Maybe.” Kaneki shrugged and turned a page just so that it would look like he was still reading.

“Sooo, you gonna tell me what's up?”

“Maybe,” Kaneki said again. “I don't want you to tease me about it.”

“Pfft!” Hide laughed and missed a jump in his game. His character plummeted to their death. “Damn it. Kaneki, what are friends for if not for confiding your deep dark secrets and having them openly mock you for it?”

“I thought friends were for mutual support and camaraderie. What a fool I've been.” Kaneki rolled his eyes and smiled.

“Indeed. But I'll forgive you.” Hide reloaded his last save point and continued through the dungeon. “So what's up?”

“It's-- I, uh...” Kaneki brought his knees closer to his chest and stared hard at his book. He felt a blush begin to color his face and wished that he was less awkward. “I met a girl.”

Hide's hands stilled and Kaneki heard his character die again. There was a beat of awful silence and Kaneki wished that he had just kept his stupid mouth shut but now he felt like he needed to talk since Hide wasn't speaking.

“I-I mean, we haven't technically actually met yet, b-but we're going to- probably. Probably meet. I mean, I've seen her at that coffee shop we go to sometimes and I'd like to ask her out but she doesn't really know I exist. Yet.”

“At Anteiku?”

“Y-yeah.”

“Geeze! Was that all?” Hide laughed and ruffled Kaneki's hair, making him yelp in surprise. “You were so serious, I thought you were gonna tell me something like your evil twin had returned for revenge. Wait-!” Hide gasped and seized Kaneki's shoulders, pushing him down onto the bed. “Is your evil twin trying to steal your Probability Date?”

“No. And please don't call her that.” Kaneki groaned and pushed Hide off of him. “What am I gonna do? I'm so useless at stuff like this. I don't even know how I'm gonna talk to her.”

Hide flopped down on the bed next to him. “Relax. I'll help you out, of course.”

“What, really?” Kaneki felt his heart swell with gratitude. He smiled nervously at Hide. “You know you're basically signing up for a lost cause, right?”

Hide smiled back. “Lucky for you, I'm the patron saint of lost causes.”

…

  
  


Kaneki glanced sideways at Hide without turning away from the book in his hands. He knew this dream. This was a memory of his college apartment. The first and last place that had been truly his. His heart ached and his hands trembled. It had really been starting to feel like a home here. Before he lost everything.

“You're being awfully quiet.”

“Hide,” Kaneki said and his voice cracked. He had learned long ago that you shouldn't make homes out of people. But what else could you call someone who made him feel as safe and warm and welcome as Hide did? “I miss you so much.”

“Sure,” Hide agreed without looking up from his game, still button-mashing enthusiastically. “But you're being, like, _suspiciously_ quiet.”

Tears fell onto the book, making the pages ripple strangely where they landed. The kanji bled into each other, becoming illegible red smears. Kaneki tried to stifle his sobs even though he knew it wouldn't matter. He had dreams like this often enough to know that Hide wouldn't deviate from the script.

“Sooo, you gonna tell me what's up?”

“I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do this.” Kaneki dropped the book and pulled his legs tightly to his chest. He was still crying, but his breaths were becoming more even. “Everyone is counting on me, but I'm just... me. I didn't want this. I just didn't want to be alone.”

“Pfft!” Hide laughed and missed a jump in his game. His character plummeted to their death. “Damn it. Kaneki, what are friends for if not for confiding your deep dark secrets and having them openly mock you for it?”

Kaneki hid his face against his knees, curling into himself. “I'm always lonely when you're not here. I want to die, but I can't yet. I wish I was with you.”

“Indeed. But I'll forgive you.” Hide reloaded his last save point and continued through the burning building. “So what's up?”

“I wish you had lived. I wish that I was dead and that you had lived on and forgotten about me. It was easy for my family to do it, so why couldn't you? Why didn't you make new friends and forget about that stupid, selfish kid you went to high school with? Why didn't you graduate and get married and have a life!” Kaneki choked on a sob, his shoulders shaking. “What did you ever see in me! What was worth saving? What was worth _dying_ for?”

Hide's hands stilled and Kaneki heard his character die again.

“Hide, I-!” Kaneki raised his head sharply, but his latest lament went unspoken.

Hide was staring at him.

Hide was wearing an expression that Kaneki had never seen on him, but one that he knew well: heartbreak.

Kaneki knew that Hide wouldn't have really looked at him like this. He hadn't actually seen Hide's face right at this moment. This was just something that his terrible brain had come up with to make him feel awful. But still, in a strangely twisted way, it felt good to hold eye contact with him and pretend, just for a moment, that Hide really was listening.

“I love you.” Kaneki tried to smile but couldn't. He covered his mouth with a hand, tears still streaming down his face. “I'm so sorry that you were loved by someone like me.”

“Geeze! Was that all?” Hide laughed and ruffled his hair. Kaneki leaned into his touch, chest aching. “You were so serious, I thought you were gonna tell me something like your evil twin had returned for revenge. Wait-!” Hide gasped and seized Kaneki's shoulders, pushing him down onto the bed. “Is your evil twin trying to steal your Probability Date?”

Kaneki stayed down, staring up at Hide with glassy eyes. Then, slowly, he took Hide's wrists and moved his hands onto his throat. Kaneki put his own hands over Hide's and squeezed.

This was stupid. He knew he was dreaming. But Kaneki had also been strangled enough times to successfully replicate the feeling. He remembered his throat constricting, the unrelenting pressure, how his pulse had thrummed in his head.

_If you really wanted to save me, then you should have killed me._

 


End file.
